"Bet you never thought you'd be rooming with a drunk, did you Gary?"
At this point, I am hiding on my bed behind a makeshift curtain hurriedly put together using two towels, unashamedly leaving poor Gary from Essex to deal with our shitfaced American roommate on his own.
No, I never thought I'd be rooming with a drunk. And unfortunately I am fully aware that I'm rooming with a drunk. How? Because two nights earlier, he bragged about polishing off a bottle of tequila before passing out, proceeded to vomit into a plastic bag in his bed - I feel it is now necessary to point out that his bed was directly above mine - and then lay down to go back to sleep. Take the chunder bag outside, maybe? No? Oh Jeebus. I spent the remainder of the night unable to sleep lest the bag of vomit got knocked by a drunken flailing arm in the night and landed on my face/bed/bag.
That was evening number two of four. The first was an evening of awkward introductions: "I hope I don't bore all you ladies to death, I'm not exactly the top traveller, not high item on anyone's list..." and "No one really seems to like me. I don't even like myself." #WTF. However, they say save the best 'til last and to give him some credit, this guy really did.
The final evening of oddities began with him striding into our room decked out in a wizard's cloak, proclaiming to be "the Wizard of Oz, an international wizard!" and that it was the only clean garment he had left. Of course, this doesn't explain why he owned such a cloak in the first place - and I certainly wasn't about to ask. He then proceeded to sort his laundry by throwing his clothes from his top bunk onto the floor in a haphazard pile, and when he discovered a pair of socks that apparently didn't belong to him, he hurled them across the room where they proceeded to land right next to a sleeping roommate's face. I breathed a sigh of relief as he headed towards the laundry room - but I spoke too soon, as he returned several minutes later with a question I never thought I'd be asked: "Jenny, just wondering because I've been in a tent on my own for the past 10 weeks, do I hump the bed?". It was at this point where I mumbled a quick "Erm, I don't think so" and hid myself behind my towel curtain. A seemingly successful tactic, he then turned to Gary and started talking absolute shite, telling him how he hadn't existed for 300 years, that life is more important than phones and that President Obama hates him. Wutuf, man.
Image source: http://media.urbandictionary.com/image/page/wtf-44339.jpg
There's only so much a girl can take, so after another five minutes of rambling insanities I left the room and went upstairs for some peace and quiet. Fifteen minutes later, Gary and another roomy appeared, Gary dressed in the tiniest boxers I have ever seen - apparently their escape plan (which was hatched shortly after resident weirdo implied he was involved in the Sydney siege "They made me do it") left no time to get dressed. Fair play, mate. We braved it back down to the second floor and were getting pumped to open the door to our room when the door to the stairwell suddenly clicked and into the corridor he stumbled, informing us that he'd stolen a cigarette from his people...who turned out to be himself. At first Gary was worried his 'people' were us and that he was nabbing smokes from our bags!
When he skulked around the corner and back into the room, we spent another few minutes discussing what to do until we heard our room door opening. Cue us freezing to the spot and then fleeing down the two flights of stairs to reception giggling like maniacs and praying he wouldn't follow - if it was even him! When we finally went back upstairs, he was in bed (thank god, an end to the madness was in sight), said goodnight and reminded us not to sneeze three times in row because it can result in an orgasm. Right. I wish I could say I liked him better when he was asleep, but he snored like a fucking foghorn.
With this in mind, I've assembled a guide on what NOT to do when staying in a dorm room.
1. Don't do ANY of the above.
2. Don't be fooled into thinking you can get away with having sex if you're "really, really quiet". You may think you've mastered the art of silent sex but odds are at least one of your roommates is awake - probably the poor sod on the top bunk who has been reluctantly dragged out of their peaceful slumber by aggressive bed shaking and rhythmic creaking - and can hear EVERYTHING that's going on.
3. Don't rustle around for things late at night. Being a night owl, I admit I have been guilty of this in the past, but the best way round it is to keep your toothbrush, book, make up wipes and anything else you may need late at night outside of your bag for easy access. If you're leaving early the next day, pack before your roommates settle down for the night, or take your things outside and pack in the corridor.
4. Don't leave your phone on loud when you leave the room. The number of people who do this only for their phones to start ringing incessantly or for a snoozed alarm to beep back into action...grrrr! In-app vibrations during WhatsApp and Facebook conversations can also be annoying, so turn these off if you're chatting late at night or early in the morning.
5. Don't just expect others to deal with your terrific snoring. It's not your fault you snore, but speaking from personal experience it can keep others awake for hours, which is no fun on a normal day but even worse if you have to be up early to catch a flight or go on a day trip. Sleep in a position that makes you less prone to snoring or bring ear plugs for people in your room - small gestures can go a long way!
Image source: http://m.quickmeme.com/img/e9/e91bf3a2a0e1a9101eafbb25d016e93ec348117d006976245784b13c45bcbe1e.jpg
6. Don't be a dick with the light. If the majority of your roommates are in bed, use a torch to find your way around. On the other hand, if you check into your hostel late at night and everyone's already in bed, it may actually be better to switch the light on for a few minutes to quickly grab everything you need out of your bag, keeping late night rustling to a minimum (or do this in the corridor).
7. Don't walk around in your birthday suit (unless your name is Gary and necessity compels it). You might feel comfortable strolling around in your smalls or nothing at all but others may not be so keen on the idea, especially if you're in a mixed dorm.
8. Don't leave all your shit everywhere. Converting the room into an obstacle course with a laundry pile here, a bottle of shampoo there and HOLY FUCK IS THAT A WIZARD CLOAK is not something your roommates will thank you for. Lockers are there for a reason: they keep the room tidy, hazard free and keep your things safely out of sight. Use them.
9. Don't fart in the room. Even when you think everyone's asleep and you can get away with it; it's just not worth the risk. Whether it's a thunderous burst of wind that wakes up the entire room or a sneaky guff that has even you running for the door, trumpeting is the fastest way to asphyxiate or repulse your roommates at worst/best.
